|Posted on January 2, 2012 at 1:10 PM|
It really is quite amazing to me that we are now in the year 2012. 2011 went by quickly, don't you think? Like most, I do have what might be called 'resolutions' for 2012 but not without appreciating what 2011 brought me, both good and not so great.
First and foremost, my children. They are both a source of constant joy and constant worry. I love each of their personalities and think myself fortunate to be their mother. Some days are certainly more trying than the day before, but it helps to think of the fleeting moments I have with them before they will be adults, making their own marks on the world.
Design-wise, I felt a surge at the start of 2011, receiving great encouragement from the Fiber, Needle and Textile Arts communities. By mid-year I felt a sense of validation after receiving actual income for my efforts. What resulted was something I had not experienced in a very long time, a sense of self worth, other than that of being a mother.
Summer was to be an adventure, I had a few fiber-related trips planned, family vacations, as well as some heavy design work to accomplish. I had also planned several KALs and CALs and began drafting tutorials for the public. However, my Summer dreams were put off by un-supportive persons in my life. And so, I accepted that we would simply stay busy and kid-friendly creative for the summer.
Shortly thereafter, I received news that my Grandmother was gravely ill and I began planning a trip to see her before she passed. My visit was too late, however, as she passed before I could see her again, hug her again. I took 3 days to head back home for the services and return to my family.
During this time, I grasped just how short our time on this Earth is. And, how truly sad it is to not live the life you mean to. This realization came directly from my Grandmother. An extremely hard worker and joyful person, who always put others before herself. Additionally, my Grandmother lived a secret life of a lesbian. She and her partner Dot had lived as 'friends' for more than 40 years, never publicly acknowledging their relationship until Grandma's death. While the obituary was nice, I found it sad that there, for the first time in their relationship, Dot and Shirley were mentioned as a couple.
The event of my Grandmother's passing was a complete turning point for myself. It did not occur at once but gradually over the summer, I found the inner strength to fight back ... for myself.
Like my Grandmother, I tend to put others before myself. I slowly began to consider myself, reflecting on how I feel about certain things in my life. And despite living comfortably, I acknowledged for the first time in 9 years, that I was not happy and, not for lack of trying.
Which brings me to appreciation of Self. Knowing that I am a person who deserves to be happy by her own design and not by trying to please another. Appreciation of the realization that I should stop trying to earn love and adoration from those who should be giving freely. Appreciation, again, of my children, who are my greatest loves. Appreciation of people, such as yourself, who reach out to me time and time again.
After a very unhappy, tumultuous second half of 2011, I found that what I thought would be a very hard decision, to be easy. The end of 2011 seemed like the right time to take the step to close this chapter of my life.
And so, Hello 2012! I look forward to an amazing year!